Its been quite the struggle lately. I’m proud of myself for not having enormous breakdowns, but still it hasn’t been easy.

Since I’ve gotten home from college, I haven’t had too much of a break and things keep getting thrown at me.  First was the huge fallout with Eric, which was completely devastating at the time. After that was an equally large fall out with Nick, all though that thankfully worked itself out after a few months. Not to mention during all of this, I knew that my parents were moving across the country. 

Luckily though, I’m over the Eric situation, Nick and I worked ourselves out.  It still isn’t easy dealing with my parents being gone. In fact, I absolutely hate it. I’ve always been such a Daddy’s Girl and it is awful not coming home to see my dad. Instead, I was forced to let my non-reliable older move in with his nephew.  This probably wouldn’t be so bad if my brother wasn’t such a shitty person.  He’s hardly dependable, is an alcoholic and thus is too considered about going out to party than buy his son a real bed (because I guess sleeping on a mattress cover is good enough for a 7th grader). Not to mention the night he came home WASTED and screamed at me about “fucking me up” at 1:30 in the morning, which is another story on it’s own. And he barely knows the meaning of “clean”. There’s been so many times I’ve come home and there’s shit everywhere, his bathroom would be absolutely atrocious and then would make the ENTIRE house smell like his bathroom, he won’t give his dog a bath so that makes it worse as well.  

So not only am I living in a world of filth, I have to be stand-in parent to my nephew.  I’ve called my parents crying so many times about my nephew and how I feel like I have to be the parent and even though they tell me it isn’t my job, what am I supposed to do? Let the kid be miserable? Come on. 

The bottom line is that I absolutely hate my house. I hate living here and I hate who I live with, and let’s not forget that all my friends are at school so I have barely no means to leave the house anyway so I spend 90% of my times at home cooped in my room. So, I’ve been dealing with this shitty house and also just personal issues like being away from Nick, my weight/body image/whatever, and work:

1. Nick is about 2 hours away and I can’t stand it. I hate that he’s not here and that I hardly see him. We’ve been banking on seeing each other once a week, which is usually him coming here, but I’m at work all day and that leaves us being together either at the very end of the night or the very beginning of the day for only a hours. I’m not trying to say that I’m not grateful for the time that I have with him because I completely am, I’m just saying its so difficult and makes me even more sad on top of the sadness I have already. It just doesn’t help. - We’ve been talking for some time about moving in together, which I would love because he is someone that I plan on taking the next step with (Let’s face it, he’s not going anywhere and neither am I), but he wants me to move to the suburbs rather than FL to be closer to my parents. I always wanted to be by Chicago, but the price of living is soo much more expensive than FL. Rent alone is $200 more a month plus everything else. I’m worried about being able to pay for higher rent, 2 student loans, utilities, other things like birth control/contacts/etc, and a car payment because my car isn’t going to last too much longer. And, Nicholas said he loves the area in FL, but he’s worried about finding a job before we go and would rather stay in the suburbs, find a good job, save money, build credit, etc. So basically I feel like its choosing between Nick and the place I always wanted to be and higher expenses or my parents and other place I’d love to be with lower expenses. I have anxiety out of my ears. 

2. My weight has always not been my favorite thing. I hate my body, I hate how I look. The annoyingly stupid thing is that I feel like all women’s body shapes and types should be celebrated, but I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I started Weight Watchers and stuck to it really well, but went on vacation and over-indulged and gained it back. I want a gym membership but I’m too scared to go and have everyone stare at my disgusting body and then laugh about my inability to work out. I seriously have barely any idea what to do while I’m there besides go on the treadmill and thus make an ass out of myself. And I’m also too afraid that I’ll fail, so I just save myself the trouble and not do anything because that’s better than failing. Basically what I’ve been doing for the past few months is following weight watchers, but sometimes I don’t even eat at all because I feel like I do not need to be eating. Why the hell do I need to feed this gross body? I really don’t. I fully understand that’s wrong and unhealthy way to think but I hardly even care and yet I am so disappointed in myself as well. 

3. Work was a huge pain in the ass the past few months. A couple of times it played into my body image because I see the marketing and photos of the those gorgeous models and then go home and see..myself. AKA not quite themostbeautifulperson. Anyway, I spent alot of time getting passive-aggressiveness from the girl who I got my job over. I noticed she would give me attitude and be rude passively and clearly show she could’ve done the job better (yet all the while she sucked at the job she was supposed to be doing). Because of that, I was so self-conscious going to work because I was worrying about who was talking behind my back, wondering if I deserved the job, etc and thus kind of sucking at my job because I was too busy trying to make her happy and stepping on eggshells. Thankfully, she is leaving to take a job as a cosmetology instructor and I won’t have to play games. What’s even better is I’ve had a new inspiration because I really love working at VS and I made the vow and commitment to be the best damn employee VS as ever seen. I feel like I’ve been doing so well and I’m so proud of myself and all it does is make me want to work harder and love it even more. I’m worried though that once its time for me to transfer to the suburbs or FL or wherever, that there won’t be any position for me to take and I truly do not want that because I am loving it so much. Other than that, work is has been the least of my worries and stressors now. And actually, I’m more happy to be at work than I am at home. I seriously lovelovelove it.

Sorry for this annoyingly sad and depressive post. I’ve just been sitting at home all day alone and my minds been spinning. Damnit.